Dishes and thoughts (this is very old)

I found this old post (note) on my fb page and thought it was just as good today as it was back in 10 when I wrote it. It was originally wrote on 10/21/2010... enjoy :) Very very LONG!


As I stood in the kitchen washing dishes, I began to reflect on different things today. Yes, I have a dishwasher and yes, it does indeed work. With that said, there is just something about doing this chore by hand that I find peace enough to talk to God and reflect on the choices I’ve made and the choices I’ve made for others in my life. I’m not sure what it is about this chore that relaxes me enough that thoughts flow through me like water from a faucet, perhaps its like the cleansing of the soul as well as the dishes. Never fails though, I feel better after a sink or two of dirty dishes.
Some days the “cleansing” is intense, massive, and quite frankly painful, but yet others are light, silly, and even whimsical. Everyone has a place or function they can be/do to have this same affect, and before you even dare say you don’t, you do. You just haven’t located or found it yet. My “safety zone” has always been my kitchen. I know, I know the old adage the woman’s place yada yada blah blah, but really that is where I feel the most comfortable, safe, and well free.
My thoughts today came from a few places; a phone call, a concerned friend, a blog post, and well another “runner.” I call us runners because lately we’ve been hiding, building walls, or straight out running away. Running from what or who? Ourselves!
The other runner is an amazing writer. She can put words into actions like an artist applies paint to a canvas. I envy her for this. If there was one thing I truly want to be better at (other than the outside appearance) would be this amazing communicating skill. Yes, it’s a skill. Some can be taught, while others seem to be naturals at it. She has the vocabulary that sparks interest, the choice of verbiage that makes even the most simple of phrases seem outstanding and awe inspiring. So I guess you would call this a gift that she’s been given. So in my dishes my thoughts float to her and her running and I am most grateful that she has “awakened” and found some peace within her.
Drifting in my thoughts comes another friend that took the time to call and find out why my distance from everyone is so prevalent and if I needed or wanted help. She didn’t mean that she could come over with a magic wand or with some new fandangled trick to make everything better, but she was simply offering a kind shoulder to lean/cry on, a box of tissues, and an ear to bend. She had no idea what was going on, but willing to help the only way she could, being a friend. Since finding her, my dear sweet friend, things usually get back into prospective with out the entire wall building and blocking. Unfortunately, she just wasn’t quite quick enough. There were no signs this time to see. This time things came too fast, too abrupt, too much, and hit me with a huge impact. I also had been reading some blogs at the same time which made me already start to reflect on some aspects of my life.
Two of these blogs came from a writer best known as Single Dad laughing. The first one was about perfection and the second was about breaking your child. These two blogs hit me hard. Way hard. I mean we all deal with the first one and the second really just goes hand in hand. The want and so call need for our children to behave ‘prim and proper’ 100% of the time in public. We all as parents have heard the people in stores with out children say things like “if that was my kid, I’d” (fill in the rest you’ve heard). So of course while reading these blogs I cried. No, correction, I bawled like a baby.
I started doing the whole good cop/bad cop routine and beating the crud out of myself. Asking things like; Do you believe you have the right to stomp on their hopes and dreams? NO! do you really think that you’re so perfect or special to deem them to be the same? NO! Who or what gives you the right to be the judge, jury, and executioner? Nothing gives me that. Just because you gave birth to them doesn’t give you the right to dictate who they are or will be. Yeah, this eternal beating went on for days. Ok, ok … weeks. More things were about to go way wrong in life than this simple banter.
At the time I was starting to reflect, my mother fell ill again. My Mom, the one person who knows EVERYTHING about me, my rock, the one that keeps me most grounded, makes things seem comfortable even when I don’t, and my very best friend. She was sick again and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Nothing I could do to help but clean her house in anticipation of her arrival back home. So I cleaned her house and made it ready for when she could be home again. She is doing so much better now. She is home, safe, and doing well, where we like it (ok where I like her to be).
So my dishes were cleaned, rinsed, and drying on the rack when I somewhat “woke” up to realize that, no, I’m never going to be that perfect mom that I see some of my friends being, but I still get hugs, cards, love notes, kisses, and most importantly the “I love you, Mommy.” So I can’t be screwing up that horrible, I guess. I will never be that super pretty/popular mom that everyone flocks to for anything and everything from advice, to cooking, to the “OMG! How did you ever create that adorable________” (fill in the blank with whatever whatchamallit that was the hit of the class. So what am I then? I am me, just plain simple me. I am the woman with the two amazing, adorable, creative, energetic, polite, authentic, and loving children that love me no matter how bad I mess up. They are the best of me, and with any luck, very little of the worst in me. Would I say that I am an amazing person? Not in the slightest, but my kids are. Am I reliable, responsible, polite, charming, and fun? No, I’m not compared to my children. So am I a complete screw up? Not in the slightest, I have done at least two things very well in my life. May the Lord bless them more than he has blessed me, and believe me; I’ve been extremely well blessed.
Someone once told me that we never make mistakes, only discoveries. So may you make some fantastic, amazing, and horrific discoveries today, tomorrow, and for the rest of your lives. Sometimes what seems like a horrible mistake is actually the best and most amazing discovery of all time. So I guess I hope you screw up from time to time and make those amazing discoveries. :)

Keeping up with appearances?

It seems that after a certain point in our lives we have created a stigma around ourselves that others have come to know us only to be. If you were creative in school then you were arty or crafty, if you had a knack for the theatrical then you could have been a drama star/queen, or if you were sporty then of course you were a jock (if you hung with them too), and those that study were nerds. Labels we placed on each other throughout our lives and herding us into a direction that would shape who we were not really caring if we possessed other talents. Once in a place/label you start to then maintain your status and you get sucked into this mainstream of thinking until it dawns on you that do not have to be that person everyone said you were.
The problem with trying to change that is usually when someone else sees the change in you and decides that they don’t like whatever it is you are doing. Usually it is because they don’t like change or fear that you will leave them/their way of thinking, which they will try and convince you that it is wrong for you to do said change.  Being that in their own insecurities they tell us how awful this change is but sometimes you are lucky and have a supporter that will be your personal cheerleader. Most of us tend to hang on to the words that are spoken to us. It goes back to the whole thing about “if said enough, you start to believe it” theory which does tend to happen more often than we would all like. I know that my four readers are saying “whatever, I’m a strong person and no one tells me what to think/say/do” but if you really think about it, we all influence each other daily. If you are constantly told that you are terrible at writing then guess what usually happens. Yup, you quit writing and don’t give it a second thought because you are positive that you suck at it suddenly. This goes with anything really (art, sports, parenting, the way you look, etc.). One of the things I try to keep in mind for my kids when saying anything because once the damage is done, then the whole attitude of just keeping up with what everyone expects starts to happen.  
Perhaps this is why I personally don’t tell many people that I like to write. If I have one piece that is good, then they will probably be expecting more which I can’t honestly be sure to give them. OR they hate everything I write and beg me to please just stop. The less people truly know, the less I can disappoint and all I have to do is keep up with appearances that they do know about, and that keeps me in a safe bubble. Fear of rejection is huge in some decision making. The problem with doing that is clearly that you become unhappy with the status quo and suddenly need to stretch out (for lack of better words) those talents or you start to fall into a rut or downward spiral of self-destruction. Here is where it can get tricky because you can either share your talents or simply hide them away. Yes, I know that one of the four will no doubt be clawing her way to kick my arse because how dare someone not share their talents or think less of one-self. She is probably right and she does inspire people to be greater while accepting themselves for who they are (even though she needs to be reminded herself) so I can’t say I don’t deserve a beat down in that area, but it all goes back to self-preservation and keeping up appearances (this doesn’t just go with talents, but also with health, personal relationships, outward beauty, and just about anything really). How much do you hide to just keep up the status quo…
This is just some more rantings from a looney woman… :)